"I remember the days of old; I meditate on all thy works; I muse on the work of thy hands." - Psalm 143:5

Monday, August 8, 2016

Why I’m Not (Still) Who I Am




Sorry for the confusing title, hopefully I can explain why it fits. In 2013 I wrote a blog post intended to debunk the mythos of my reputation and to dispel the notion that I always have my act (what ever that is) together. It seemed that I was gaining pedestal status in some circles and I thought that was a dangerous place for a man to be.

Now six years later I wonder if I’m still sending mixed messages.

Don’t get me wrong, I work hard to maintain an honorable character and I believe I should as a follower of Christ. I appreciate the respect I’ve earned and the trust that follows a man of his word. The influence I have I do not take lightly, I pray that my actions follow the words I speak and that my life points (favorably) to the God I serve. I’m known as level headed, calm… a bit strange, but easygoing and likable.

Someone once said to me… “I can’t imagine someone ever getting mad at you”

I have people get mad at me all the time… some of those people live in my house.

I’ve been happily married for 34 years, a father for all but seven of those years, but sometimes struggle with loving my wife (as wonderful as she is) as she needs to be loved. I love being married to my bride and am devoted to loving her as Christ loved the church but sometimes I fall so short of that ideal. The selfishness of my own way gets in the way of caring for her soul and our marriage suffers from my callous heart.

My children think I’m a great Dad and generally, I agree with them. Yet, I don’t always lead them correctly or model what a man should be in a way that is inviting to them. My words appear as jabs instead of encouragement and I let distance fill the gaps where my love should be.

I’m (still) not who I am

My faith is strong and I love Jesus desperately, but I would guess that there people who think I’m a hypocrite because I don’t always back up my words with right action. One of my gifts is encouraging, I love finding ways to build people up and help them see what Father God sees in them. Then, there are times where my heart seems so distance and remote that it leaves me wondering do I really care at all?

I’m (still) not who I am

I have the honor to speak into men’s lives, many people see me as friend and confidant. They put their trust in me and that friendship; it’s a real humbling place to be. Unfortunately, there have been times I have stretched the limits of my friendships with selfish motives and lack of consideration. Sometimes my desires to be a “somebody” have muscled its way into my idea of who I am in Christ… interfering with the bonds of brotherhood.

Now I pastor a church (3 years) and every Sunday I have the opportunity to bless or disappoint and sometimes do both without even recognizing it. I love this group of hearts entrusted to my care and long for their lives to be full and free. Yet, there are seasons of ungraceful moments where I’m lost for the words they need to hear and I fill them with platitudes, hoping for a spiritual placebo instead.

Have I knocked myself off that pedestal yet?

My point is this… I’m not finish yet! I’m not (still) who I am (going to be) and Father God is not done with me yet. Can you see where my heart is? I’m asking for forgiveness if I have ever portrayed something unreal and false, something that may have put me on a pedestal.

I never want to show you all anything but Christ in me. Any success I have as a man, a husband, a father and a brother is all because of Him. The struggle to be real and transparent gets clouded when you begin to think you are “all that and a bag of chips”… that is not the way of the King. I don’t have wisdom, insight or compassion (not any more than you anyway) but I do have the King (rather, He has me) and He has all that in abundance. In my desire to be a hero to you, I may have misrepresented the King, please forgive me.

I’m (still) not who I am…but I’m getting there

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus return. Philippians 1:6

Why am I (still) not who I am (yet)? Because I need more of Him and He will complete the work!

In Him for Him always…Jay

PS. I’m not beating myself up here…this is just a heart check and I sincerely what to only represent Him in all I do.


“I the Lord search the heart and test the mind, to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his deeds.” Jeremiah 17:10