Epic Fail


epicfail copy

I am a failure… but, before you rush to my defense, hear me out.

There were times I choked under pressure and bailed big time when situations were tough. There were too many days when my heart vacated when it was needed most and just because my mind was filled with selfish thoughts, I chickened out.

I covered my eyes, closed my ears and pretended not to notice suffering. I hid; I ran and preferred the shadows instead of the light.

And those were my good days.

I sought success over significance, hungered ravenously for comfort over compassion and pleasure over purity. I frustrated my own dreams by fearing the outcome and dreading the journey. Escape was the path I desired, portrayals and roles were my game pieces, but I feared the hand I was dealt. I rolled the dice, taking a chance of discovery, but quickly folded under the pressure… so afraid of being found out, revealed and exposed.

The Apostle Paul once commented, “I am the chief of all sinners”.

I think… He’s never met me.

Here’s my heart in this. Although I really don’t think that I’m a “dirty rotten sinner” anymore, I do realize how much of a failure I am without Christ. It is this realization that fuels my hope. The design of my heart was designed to be filled with Jesus. My heart was meant to have significant compassion for others and to enjoy pleasure that was pure and vital for my soul’s health. The dream and journey are one in the same because I travel with Christ.

“I am not concerned that you have fallen… I am concerned that you arise.”  - Abraham Lincoln

Abe’s quote here mirrors the Father’s heart, in Psalm 37:23

“If the Lord delights in a man’s way, he makes his steps firm; though he stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand.”

All my failures… all covered


Technorati Tags: ,,


Bill (cycleguy) said…
Those last 5 words are dynamite Jay. The sum it all up for me and about me. Thanks
Jay Cookingham said…
Amen to that my friend!
marthaorlando said…
Oh, yes!!! "All my failures . . . all covered." Thanks be to God!
Blessings, Jay!
floyd said…
Awesome post, brother. You have a powerful way with words. This touched me exactly where I am today, weak; in need of His grace and the gratitude for it. Thanks, Jay.
Jay Cookingham said…
Good to know... isn't my sista!
Jay Cookingham said…
Thanks Floyd...I actually wrote that about a week ago, been mulling ever since. Praying for ya!
jasonS said…
That's the beauty and the frustration of it. We are there, but not there yet. We are adopted as sons, but eagerly awaiting our adoption as sons. Grace is working it all out in our lives and our main concern is to keep pursuing and going through the process. I definitely can identify with everything you said here. I have failed and will fall short again, but it doesn't change who He is and where I'm headed in Him. Amen. Thanks Jay.
Jay Cookingham said…
The hope we gain by being His... that's the truth we need to remind ourselves with. Thanks Jason!
I'm glad I found this. I really needed some encouragement today over my past "shortcomings" relating to my kids.. and Psalm 37:23 is it. I tell men that I minister to, "Don't worry, God's got your back". Sometimes I need to remember it myself. Thanks for this.
Jay Cookingham said…
I can so relate Charles! Good thing the Father's grace is free and complete!
Rick Dawson said…
Perfect timing for my finding this gem as I scan through the blogrolls. I, too, have had my times thinking "Step aside, Paul - I'm challenging you for that chief of sinners title". Grateful that His grace is enough, and not that cheap stuff that gets marketed so easily :)
David Rupert said…
I've been there. something about age that made me look back and capture those moments of regret. The way you poignantly penned them is just stunning. But the way you end it makes cinches it.

Popular Posts