Why I’m Not Who I Am

 

 

roadsign

Sorry for the confusing title, maybe I can explain.

I have a great marriage, but sometimes struggle with loving my wife (as wonderful as she is) as she needs to be loved. My children think I’m a great Dad and generally, I agree with them. Yet, I don’t always lead them correctly or model what a man should be in a way that is inviting to them.

I’m not who I am

My faith is strong and I love Jesus desperately, but I would guess that there people who think I’m a hypocrite because I don’t always back up my words with action. One of my gifts is encouraging and I love to find ways to build people up and help them see what Father God sees in them. Then, there are times where my heart seems so distance and remote that it leaves me wondering do I really care at all?

I’m not who I am

My point is this… I’m not finish yet. I’ve been happily married for 31 years, a father for all but seven of those years. I have opportunities to speak into men’s lives and now I pastor a church… many people see me as friend and confidant. They put their trust in me and that friendship; it’s a real humbling place to be.

I’m not who I am and Father God is not done with me yet.

Can you see where my heart is yet? I’m asking for forgiveness if I have ever portrayed something unreal and false. I am not perfect as a man; I have failed my wife and my kids at times. I have stretched the limits of my friendships with selfish motives and lack of consideration. Sometimes my desires to be a “somebody” have muscled its way into my idea of who I am in Christ.

For that I ask forgiveness, I never want to show you all anything but Christ in me. Any success I have as a man, a husband, a father and a brother is all because of Him. The struggle to be real and transparent gets clouded when you begin to think you “are all that and a bag of chips”… that is not the way of the King. I don’t have wisdom, insight or compassion (not any more than you anyway) but I do have the King (rather, He has me) and He has all that in abundance. In my desire to be a hero, I may have misrepresented the King, please forgive me.

Why am I not who I am (yet)? Because I need more of Him.

In Him for Him always…Jay

PS. I’m not beating myself up here…this is just a heart check and I sincerely what to only represent Him in all I do.

“I the Lord search the heart and test the mind, to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his deeds.” Jeremiah 17:10 ESV

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Comments

marthaorlando said…
He's not done with me, either, Jay! We are all works in progress and always, always need more of Him in our lives.
Blessings!
October 28, 2013 at 12:05 PM
Jay Cookingham said…
Thanks Martha...Glad He's not given up on us!
October 28, 2013 at 12:11 PM
Dusty Rayburn said…
Dude you just took a sledge hammer to that pedestal you were standing on!


Rock on brother! God is not done with any of us yet. As Michael Perkins shared in a recent sermon, there are greater things coming... come and see!
October 28, 2013 at 1:29 PM
Jay Cookingham said…
I'm great at demolition dude...appreciate ya brother!
October 28, 2013 at 2:18 PM
Thomas Mason said…
I appreciate your transparency and honesty, Jay. Really when I think of you I think of a man whose strength is derived from God. And when I think of you I see a man who has gone through trials courageously. I can relate with you in that I am not always the person I portray outwardly. But thank God we're not done, we're not finished. He seeks after us time and time again, even when we fail.
October 28, 2013 at 4:44 PM
Jay Cookingham said…
Thanks for the generous and kind words Brother. We all give thanks to a Father who deals with compassion with His kids. We're not done is a good place to be when it's in His hands.
October 28, 2013 at 4:48 PM
Bill (cycleguy) said…
I can echo this same sentiment Jay. I get disappointed in myself from time to time, for not being the man of God I should be. Your story here is my story. thanks for being honest and sharing it.
October 29, 2013 at 5:33 AM
Jay Cookingham said…
Well, us old awgs have to stick together and allow the Holy Spirit to challenge our hearts don't we? Bless ya Bill!
October 29, 2013 at 8:37 AM
floyd said…
I appreciate the honesty and wisdom, Jay. You just sang my song, son...
October 29, 2013 at 3:14 PM
floyd said…
Oh, that was a Jerry Reed quote in case you missed it...
October 29, 2013 at 3:14 PM
Jay Cookingham said…
Awesome JR reference bro...love it!
October 30, 2013 at 8:31 PM
Rick Dawson said…
You - you there! How *dare* you try to tell me you're not Superman, a done and finished work in Christ...wait...what? A work in progress? Still under construction? Not yet perfected?

Love it, as usual, Jay - good stuff :)
October 30, 2013 at 9:19 PM
Jay Cookingham said…
Don't be tugging at my cape dude! ;-) Thanks Rick!
October 31, 2013 at 8:44 AM
jasonS said…
I could hear your heart in it, Jay. I didn't think you were beating yourself up, just reflecting. It's good for us to do this. We are not all we're going to be and I'm so glad! He's working out His salvation and love and power within us, and in His grace, He will still touch others through our obedience, giving, and service. He is so good! Thanks for the reminder, Jay.
November 4, 2013 at 11:14 AM
Jay Cookingham said…
Appreciate that brother...it is all about Him!
November 4, 2013 at 11:23 AM
Jay Cookingham said…
True words, gotta love that! Thanks Brother!
November 4, 2013 at 11:23 AM
TCAvey said…
I appreciate the honesty and passion for seeking God. None of us are perfect, but few of us are able to acknowledge it and seek more Grace, more God and less of our selves.


Thank you
November 13, 2013 at 5:08 PM
Jay Cookingham said…
More Grace...More God....YES! Thanks TC!
November 18, 2013 at 9:31 AM
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