"I remember the days of old; I meditate on all thy works; I muse on the work of thy hands." - Psalm 143:5

Monday, October 28, 2013

Why I’m Not Who I Am




Sorry for the confusing title, maybe I can explain.

I have a great marriage, but sometimes struggle with loving my wife (as wonderful as she is) as she needs to be loved. My children think I’m a great Dad and generally, I agree with them. Yet, I don’t always lead them correctly or model what a man should be in a way that is inviting to them.

I’m not who I am

My faith is strong and I love Jesus desperately, but I would guess that there people who think I’m a hypocrite because I don’t always back up my words with action. One of my gifts is encouraging and I love to find ways to build people up and help them see what Father God sees in them. Then, there are times where my heart seems so distance and remote that it leaves me wondering do I really care at all?

I’m not who I am

My point is this… I’m not finish yet. I’ve been happily married for 31 years, a father for all but seven of those years. I have opportunities to speak into men’s lives and now I pastor a church… many people see me as friend and confidant. They put their trust in me and that friendship; it’s a real humbling place to be.

I’m not who I am and Father God is not done with me yet.

Can you see where my heart is yet? I’m asking for forgiveness if I have ever portrayed something unreal and false. I am not perfect as a man; I have failed my wife and my kids at times. I have stretched the limits of my friendships with selfish motives and lack of consideration. Sometimes my desires to be a “somebody” have muscled its way into my idea of who I am in Christ.

For that I ask forgiveness, I never want to show you all anything but Christ in me. Any success I have as a man, a husband, a father and a brother is all because of Him. The struggle to be real and transparent gets clouded when you begin to think you “are all that and a bag of chips”… that is not the way of the King. I don’t have wisdom, insight or compassion (not any more than you anyway) but I do have the King (rather, He has me) and He has all that in abundance. In my desire to be a hero, I may have misrepresented the King, please forgive me.

Why am I not who I am (yet)? Because I need more of Him.

In Him for Him always…Jay

PS. I’m not beating myself up here…this is just a heart check and I sincerely what to only represent Him in all I do.

“I the Lord search the heart and test the mind, to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his deeds.” Jeremiah 17:10 ESV

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