If you have been around Soulfari for any length of time, you probably know my story. Yet, I felt moved by the Holy Spirit to share it in a different way today. I know it has a lot to do what happen to me this past Sunday (more on that in a day or two) and the Father’s heart towards forgiveness. Praying this will speak to you all…He is a awesome God and fantastic Father! – Blessings, Jay
I grew up in an abusive home; my father’s cruelty was part of everyday life. His words and name-calling crushed my spirit, it stunted my emotional growth and I grew callous and hard. When I turned twelve, another darker form of abuse started, my dad began sexually assaulting me. It was all I could handle, I felt ashamed, hurt and betrayed. Somehow, I began to think it all had to be my fault. I turned to drinking and drugs, trying to dull the pain and the guilt I held inside.
This sick pattern continued until I was 17 and able physically to stand up to my father. The physical and sexual abuse stopped but not the verbal cruelty. Up to this point, my dad dominated my life, and he was an oppressor. His presence occupied my life with cruelty and pain. That oppression left deep wounds that inhibited my growth as a young man. It left me with a spiritual lameness and a desire for death.
I needed someone to overthrow that dictatorship and restore freedom; I needed the loving-kindness of Father God. The Heavenly Father forever changed my life. Through His kindness, He healed me and melted my cold stony heart. Unlike my dad, God was understanding, kind, and approachable. For the first time in my life I found the hope and acceptance I longed for. Father God knew I needed a heart transplant and He describes a potent one in the book of Ezekiel.
“I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws” Ezekiel 36:26
And one in the Book of Psalms
“Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me” Psalm 51:10
The path to choose for me was forgiveness; I had to forgive my dad. To stop being a victim I needed to forgive him, it matter not that he deserved forgiveness or didn’t deserve it. What mattered to God was my freedom and healing. Freedom from the prison of wounds and the poison of abuse took one brave step, the choice to forgive. I didn’t feel like forgiving and didn’t want to forgive but Father God convinced me that was the only way to be free of the pain. When I forgave my dad, the healing of my heart began. I was no longer bound to the vile words spoken to me as a child or the wounds they caused.
I am free…but not without scars. Please watch the short video and see what I mean and please answer this question.
Do you know…really know in you core…that the Father loves you?